forget your meds

That settles it. I’m pretty much dead. I just want to sleep… but I have lots of stuff I need to do … it’s not even stuff I’ve been putting off–it’s stuff I just haven’t had the time to do. Like prepare for my Business Law final this afternoon. Kinda wish maybe I had spend a little more than, oh, say, a half-hour feverishly preparing.

God, I made a douche of myself.

It’s Thursday afternoon and … I’ve clocked 48 hours of work in service of the Procrastinator Theatre since Monday. I’ve gone to like three classes this week… spent less time sleeping than in class.

What do I have to show for it? Well… I have a long, meticulously researched document about Digital Cinema and non-theatrical venues that no one, in their right mind, would possibly want to read. To prove my point, I’ll post a copy. Knock yourselves out:
Due Consideration – Digital Cinema & The Procrastinator Theatre.

Actually, I think there’s some hope. Tom Stump sees the necessity of a 35mm projector in the new theater, and is working on getting a cost estimate to expand the projection booth. Oh? You’re interested in that, too? Here: I’ll upload the requirements synopsis that I put together this morning, instead of going to accounting of my euro history class. 2007.11.29 Projection Booth Requirements.pdf

Microsoft Word does this thing where it gives its new documents sequential numbers every time you open a new copy– as in “New Document 3”, “New Document 5”, etc. This sequential counter closes when you close all windows of Word. The last new document that I created was “New Document 81”. That’s ridiculous.

I nearly went crazy, last night. I was on campus at 10:00 am yesterday and finished classes at 11:00 am. At 10:00 pm, after the show at the Procrastinator had finished (some student-run presentation on Uganda … I was just there to unlock the theater and teach the presenter how to use the LCD Projector. I could have left, once it started, but somehow I sat down–revising for the sixth time in four days the research document I linked above ..) I hadn’t eaten since noon, and had only slept for two or three hours, on the couch, the night before (and the night before that had been similarly short).

So there I am, at the Procrastinator at 10:00 pm. Instead of going home, I rode my bike up to the SUB to go visit the new theater. When I last visited, two days before, there was just a vast, empty room where the Pro and a lounge will eventually be. But when I arrived last night, a series of aluminum studs of one wall bisected the space… I don’t think I broke out in a cold sweat … but that’s how I’ll probably remember it.

Somehow, in the back of my mind, I’d be entertaining this mad dream that we could still convert the ticket booth in to a concessions stand. But I failed to act on that dream … probably intimidated by the staggering amount of effort required to alter the momentum of the construction machine. Well, there was my dream–with aluminum studs driven right through it. Where a counter could have, would have been.

I can’t describe the feeling–terror, mostly. It was too late. They were building, and they were building wrong. They were spending hundreds of thousands of student dollars, to build the wrong thing.

I panicked. The construction HAD to stop … just for a two days … just until Friday afternoon, when the STUDENTS would finally get a chance to properly discuss the arbitrary decision, made three years ago, to switch to digital projection and eliminate the projection booth in the new Procrastinator Theatre.

For a few minutes, as I wandered between piles of waiting aluminum studs, or pawed listlessly through the available blueprints … I could only think of sabotage. How could I stop the clock? How could I buy two more days for the students? I thought of stealing all the blueprints and burning them (they’re wrong, anyway…). I thought of chaining myself to the aluminum studs…

Eventually, I left. I found Scott in the ASMSU office and ranted for a while … then eventually headed home, where I raged and screamed for another two hours. I must have used more profanities last night than any three nights drinking combined.

But, eventually, that too subsided. At midnight, I finally ate some dinner. By 2:00 am, I was tired… and needed to be up at 6:30 am to find Tom Stump, first thing in the morning.

And then things started to look up. I found Tom in his office, on his way to the SUB. We talked on our way over. I explained that situation … that we would be unable to use digital projection in the new theater, and briefly explained the reasons. And then, greatly to my surprise, he turned to me and asked what it would take to get a 35mm projector installed. By noon today, MSU’s architects had received a request for a price estimate of the modification. I was buoyant.

Around 1:00 pm, I started working on my bus 361 “final”. It needed probably 3 hours of work. I gave it about 45 minutes.

And then I went to class, and looked like a staggering douche.

Then the bubble burst. The balloon popped. Something gave out … gave in. I was gone.

And now? I’ve never been so depressed. I really don’t think I have. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so crippled by lethargy–been so keenly aware of a chemical imbalance in my brain that’s stopping me from acting like a normal person…

I don’t think I’ve ever worked at something so hard or with such tenacity as I have these last four days. And then, when I sat down after giving my pathetic speech in 361… that was the end. Everything was done. The class… everything I can do for the Procrastinator…

I think it’s the new medication. It’s a wild ride. I’ve been wondering when all the chemicals in my brain were going to collide… it’s absolutely wild. I’ve barely eaten, and I’ve barely slept. Yet I’m not hungry, and I’m not tired. I don’t feel healthy, but I don’t feel sick.

I’m going to click “submit” now.