Dear Hollywood Screenwriters Guild:
I’m writing you today because I’m sick and tired (and just downright annoyed) with your pathetic and hokey attempts to created realistic impressions of “hackers” and “nerds.” To the best of my knowledge, you’ve never gotten it right yet, and you give people the wrong ideas.
So, if you’ll allow me, I’ll let you in on a few secrets.
1. Just because you don’t know how to use your Mac doesn’t mean someone who does is capable of using it to penetrate any computer network anywhere in two seconds flat.
2. Most electronics hardware is incompatible. There’s nowhere you could even PUT the SIM card from your cell phone in your computer, and even if you did, you wouldn’t suddenly have access to a network of satellites and bank accounts. Sorry.
3. Bad fake operating systems are like bad fake actors (see: Nicolas Cage). Bad fake operating systems make your movie look bad, just like bad acting. It’s nice to think that “hackers” use operating systems that are lightyears more advanced than anything known to man, where windows slide and shimmer and dance and swirl, and where everything in the known universe is available at the touch of a few keys. But the truth is: all of your fake “super advanced” operating systems look stupid and fake. Give us a break.
4. Most “nerds” are actually normal people. They eat normal (sometimes even healthy) food; drink water, coffee and beer (not just energy drinks), tend to have good complexions (see: no pimples), friends (girlfriends, too!), and other hobbies. In fact, most of the nerds I know are outgoing, athletic and attractive. They just happen to like and be good with computers.
5. Copying equations out of a math book doesn’t make your movie look smart.
6. No one can calculate logarithms or advanced physics equations in their heads. Much less instantly while dodging bullets in a burning nuclear reactor.
7. Most “nerds” have clean, well-lit work stations. Darkness causes eye strain.
8. Computers are essentially secure and impenetrable.
9. Even if “hackers” existed, there’s absolutely nothing on your home computer that a “hacker” would possible want? What? To steal your scripts? To steal the pictures of your girlfriend? Don’t flatter yourself.
10. Not all “good” guys use Macs. And not all “bad” guys use PCs. Honest.
11. Most “hacking” is done by brilliant social engineers with only a minimum of computer proficiency. Not by drinking Mountain Dew in a dark room listening to German techno typing furiously into a green-and-black console.
