I’m home, and scared to death of the next three weeks. I’m scared of the isolationism, the hopelessness, the memories… I’ll make it: sure, I’ll make it. What else can I do. There’s a Goo Goo Dolls concert in San Diego on New Year’s Eve. I might go. I can’t even describe how I feel. Everything has taken a turn for the surreal, and I feel suddenly radically disconnected from everything around me. Jenny is no longer engaged. Sagar’s parents will probably announce their official divorce tomorrow. Carter… fuck. Me? Good god. How does the Cheyenne Mark resolve the Bozeman Mark? What life? What value? What significance? What enjoyment? What happiness? What despair? These next few weeks will be trying. Amazing. Trying. What are you thinking? / what thinking? / what?
The music’s loud but it doesn’t fill the silence. The silence of my house. The silence of… being alone? Am I lonely? Yeah, maybe I am. Or maybe I just want to cry, to live, to love…
I’m not doing so well with the Holidays this year. I’ve never been fond: I don’t think I was especially excited about Christmas as a young kid. Now? Go sing a Christmas carol. Sing your heart out. I’ll sing “Misery is the River of the World.” Why? Do I want to be miserable? AM I miserable? Do I want to extend my misery to those around me? I’ve done better with the holidays in years past, but looking back have I ever had a Christmas worth remembering? Of significance? C’mon Mark: one happy Christmas memory. Hell, one Christmas memory at all… Nothing comes to mind. Not a single one.
God DAMN this is a lot of angst. Go me. Looks like I’m still not “in the clear.” If only I could cry…
fuck?
I completely hear where you’re coming home. I’m spent my last two days in Cheyenne bored. I’ve actually done a little bit of cleaning I was so bored. I also have the added silence of being in a house alone of the next week. But none the less its all awkward. Like you, I’ve added a fair amount of life at college and here I seem to be missing that.
Edit: Forgot to mention, put on some Bob Marley…Babylon by Bus if you have it. It’ll help you relax.
I think what needs to be done about this odd emptiness is nothing. Try and relax completely. Get thoughts straight. And if it pleases you go to a Goo Goo Dolls show.
I love you dude : )
Hang in there
its officially going down.