I always feel obligated to preface any statements or posts about business majors with a qualification that not all who have selected “business” as their major are what I refer to as “business majors.” I know quite a few individuals studying business who are generous, kind and soft-spoken individuals who entirely defy my stereotype. If, therefore, you are a person studying business and so-happen to value people more than money, or are able to form a complete sentence without the use of a three-letter acronym, please don’t think that the following concerns you. It’s just my observation on a select group of students who spend an excessive amount of time in the computer labs, loudly talking about their “profit margins per shoe.”
I just happened to overhear a conversation between two senior business majors (involving a dislike for the Salt Lake City airport and something to the effect of “yeah, actually I have to take this one group out for dinner, but there’s no way I’m taking my other group out for anything“), that so perfectly exemplified everything I despite about business majors that I felt compelled to post it immediately:
Random Business Major #1, called Matt
Random Business Major #2, called John
Matt: “Yeah, I gotta pick up some odd jobs over the next few weeks.”
John: “Heh, no kidding. I was hoping for a little graduation bankroll, but I’m not sure if that’s going to come in.”
Matt: “Well, I was thinking that maybe I should just send out some graduation announcements, ‘cuz you know people always send money.”
John: “Funny you should say that, because I just sent out a bunch for that expressed purpose.”
Matt: “And you’re hoping to get a good return on investment?”
John: (laughing) “Yeah, I’m expecting to get some good R. O. I.! It’s good business, you know?”
At this point I left to compile this incredible conversation (and have done so, more or less, verbatim). It’s conversations like these that leads me to believe that these so-called “business majors” are somehow sub-human. It’s as though they were all born as human beings but either have lost or have never had any humanity. This conversation illustrates two key signs of a business major.
The first is an unabated greed, especially for material possessions. In this case, are two specimens are both happy to write graduation announcements so that relatives they barely know and certainly don’t care about feel compelled to send them money.
The second is their particular affinity for the use of economics-related acronyms, such as ROI or GPD, and economic terms, such as “production capacity” and “profit margins,” in every day conversation. It seems like, since these worthless acronyms are all that business majors have been given for “education” over the last four years, they somehow affirm themselves by their repeated use.