This is bad–a seeming downward spiral toward oblivion.

It’s 4:08 pm, now, and I’m still in bed. Yesterday I made it out of bed at 2:00 pm. The day before, closer to 5:00 pm.

I certainly don’t want to be in bed right now.

I wake at 8:00 am, roll on to my left side–agonizing–then my right side–painful, even with support for my left-leg–then my back–awkward and painful. I moan and roll back on to my stomach, falling asleep again until 10:00 am.

I wake at 10:00 am, resolve to shower, hobble pathetically toward the bathroom. I’m twisted at a strange angle at the hip. Any weight no my left food sends searing pain down my leg.

Unable to stand, I draw a bath (as I have the previous mornings). This morning it’s worse, though. I hurt worse this morning than yesterday. I’m unable to sit or lie comfortably in the tub, save in one position on my back, head tipped backwards, left leg up with foot against the wall.

I despair of washing my hair–I can’t sit up or even bring my neck up without sharp, burning pain shooting down my leg. I drain the tub, try to towel off as best as my broken condition allows, hobble back toward my bed on the floor and collapse.

I watch TV on the internet for an hour and some. I can function this way–flopped on my stomach, chin propped up by pillows or arms. After a while, my teeth grow weary of the pressure on my chin–but at least my back doesn’t hurt.

By noon, I finally work up the tenacity to crawl over and find my bag. I take out 1000mg of hydrocodone, 800mb of ibuprofen. I eat two of my mom’s “jingle bell” cookies she sent with me, hoping this will be enough substance in my stomach to keep me from getting sick.

I find myself thinking of the story where Jesus heals a paralytic. The story goes that four of the man’s friends bring him on his mat to a house where Jesus is teaching. The crowd is too thick for the man to be brought in through the door, so the friends bring the man on to the roof, dig through the roof, and lower the man right in front of Jesus. Jesus tells the paralytic that his sins are forgiven. The paralytic, suddenly healed, picks up his mat and walks out.

I read for a while about how to read MRI images, about degenerative disc disease. Then I fall asleep again, wake up, decide to post to my blog.


Lateral MRI image of my herniated disc at L5/S1
Axial view of my disc protrusion at L5/S1

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Spring Theme-ing

When introducing A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, author David Eggers defines the themes, motifs and other literary devices that the reader will encounter in his book. It’s brilliant–not least because it saves his book from the ignominy of being high school AP English fodder. And it’s fun. The reading is that much more entertaining as one notices, indeed, each of the themes promised in the introduction.

In a similar vein, I’m going to go ahead and predict some themes for this spring:

1. Indecision about my future. (If you are affiliated with or employed by any medical clinic in the greater Phoenix Valley region, you are morally obligated to skip this section and resume reading at theme number two. Continuing to read theme number one constitutes a breach of trust and warrants the immediate termination of our friendship.) Do I sacrifice happiness for the sake of my career and future success by returning to work in Arizona? Or, do I throw caution to the wind and choose to be happy (if desperately poor) in a place I love as I try to make my own way?

2. Depravity — a general lust for. I think of myself as a generally clean and decent guy. But some part of my psyche manifests a desperate need to be reckless and irresponsible, to engage in all manner of depravity, licentiousness, hedonism.

Eight months living with my sister and brother-in-law was wonderful and well-enjoyed. But it was also a sustained lie. According to the image I tried so eagerly to project: I don’t drink (to excess), I don’t smoke, I don’t swear, I don’t fuck, I don’t get fucked up. I’ve cultivated an image of myself as a responsible young adult, as ambitious, hard-working, generally dependable, and ready for the working world. I’m gregarious and social. I like people. I clean up after myself. I keep myself need, tidy, clean and hygienic. Etc.

But … these things, sadly, are all a lie. That person isn’t me.

Truth me told, I’m … an absolute and unrepentant slob (hedonist). I like clean environments, but left to my own devices: I’d live in filth. My dirty socks would cover crumb-crusted floors, dishes overflowing in the greasy kitchen. I’d blare music at all hours of the day and night. I’d drink beer for breakfast, skip lunch, and spend four hours cooking every day with a glass of wine in one hand.

I’m lazy, in a sense that Edward Abbey would admire. I’d an absolute hedonist, with a penchant for quality. I’m fun-loving, to the point of preferring a constant, debauched haze over any sort of solid and productive reality. I despise tedium: folding laundry, especially, and making my bed.

Depraved, debauched–true words, but with such ugly connotations.

Dionysian might be a better adjective. I’m not godless–I worship Bacchus. I’m not loveless–I love Bridger Bowl. I’m not without aspirations–I aspire to admire Bertolt Brecht (though I don’t). (I’m not clever–but I’m clever with banal alliterations.)

In any case, I digress. I simply expect depravity to be a theme this spring as I trend back toward my natural self.

3. Hunger. I’ve been hungry for months. Insatiably hungry. I ate poorly in Scottsdale. Go figure–I’m a lactose intolerant vegetarian. Hunger, however, I expect I can overcome.

4. Social skills (or skillz, if you prefer)! I’ve concluded that I have poor social skills. I’m a misanthrope a heart. No, I was a misanthrope–my view of humanity is far more benevolent now. Which leaves me simply as a misfit, a social recluse. I’ve never much liked people, never gotten on well with strangers–and never aspired to until now.

But now … all that changes. Just you wait and see! I’m going to learn to like people. To enjoy the company of strangers. To make new friends, and cultivate old friendships. To be outgoing and gregarious.

I’m choosing, now, to like people, in general, rather than dislike (as I have in the past). I hope that this new-found (or forged, rather) positivity, combined with a wavering commitment to not avoid social interaction will put me well on my way toward being socially well-adjusted (rather than socially awkward). We’ll see. =)

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Are we environmentalists so different from our religious brethren?

In Superfreakanomics, Levitt & Dubner quote Boris Johnson (journalist cum London mayor), who writes:

Like all the best religions, fear of climate change satisfies our need for guilt, and self-disgust, and that eternal human sense that technological progress must be punished by the gods. And the fear of climate change is like a religion in this vital sense, that it is veiled in mystery, and you can never tell whether your acts of propitiation or atonement have been in any way successful.

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Things I Missed

Wait, how did I miss this?

In 2002, Christopher Nolan directed a remake of Insomnia. Produced by George Clooney and Steven Soderbergh. Starring Al Pacino and Hilary Swank. Watching it now. I hope it’s good!

Also, things I missed:

The White Stripes released an album in 2000 called De Stijl. It rocks.

In 2005, Christopher O’Riley released another album of Radiohead covers (called “Hold Me To This”). (If you haven’t listened to “True Love Waits”–O’Riley’s Radiohead covers that he released to CD in 2003 … you owe it to yourself. You don’t even have to be a Radiohead fan. (Though, if you’re not a Radiohead fan … what’s the point?))

Also, Wilco has an album called Summerteeth that released in 1999 (which has the original “A Shot In the Arm” recording). I had no idea. Great album!

Am I the only one that missed these? If so … you bastards! You’ve been holding out on me. If not … you’re welcome!

Edit: I didn’t actually “miss” the Nolan version of Insomnia. Sadly, it sucked. EVERYTHING that made the Erik Skjoldbjærg version great was absent in Nolan’s rendition.

Edit 2: And, come to think of it, I knew that Nolan had made another film (with a title like “Insomnia”) that I hadn’t seen. And, I knew I hadn’t seen it because it wasn’t supposed to be particularly worth seeing. Well … now I’ve seen it.

Edit 3: Curious thing, though. I fell asleep straight-away after Skjoldbjærg’s version of Insomnia. I can’t seem to sleep after Nolan’s…

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Some Movies

Watched and enjoyed Food, Inc–the latest in a string of new documentaries on the food (a.k.a “corn”) industry.

Great production values and engaging interviews (including Michael Pollan, author of The Omnivore’s Dilemma) make Food, Inc a rather more refined product than King Corn–though they’re essentially the same product: corn, corn, corn. The packing plant motif conjures scenes from Richard Linklater’s Fast Food Nation, sans the personal story / drama. If food activism is your thing, you’re sure to enjoy Food, Inc. If you prefer not to think about what’s in your food, may I suggest:

Insomnia (the 1997 Erik Skjoldbjærg original, not the 2002 Christopher Nolan remake) comes off as a tightly directed but dismal thriller. The film would be entirely forgettable–except for being so subtle and well crafted. Divulging the plot (or my speculations about the director’s intent) would be a disservice to any inclined to see it. Suffice to say that it’ll suite your mood if you’re looking for something light and fun–and it’ll suite your mood if you’re looking for something dark and ponderous. Not a common achievement.

Of course, if you’re looking for dark (though not particularly ponderous), you’re best bet is to make it to your local cinema and take in The Road. Imagine a zombie movie, told with all the seriousness of Requiem for a Dream. It’s scary as fuck–and, unlike a zombie film, it’s hard to shake. Check your Panglossean cheer at the popcorn stand and see this movie. You’ll likely regret it–but not in the sort of way that makes you want your money back. Just what you left at the popcorn stand.

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Best 41 Albums of the Decade

I’m just going to throw this out there. My goal is sharing and discovery–but if you prefer to create controversy (no, I didn’t forget about Strawberry Jam…), go right ahead!

(*Hint* – One of these albums does not belong. Hrm… I wonder which one!)

Top 20
1. Wilco – Yankee Foxtrot Hotel (2002)
2. LCD Soundsystem – LCD Soundsystem (2005)
3. Justice – † (2008)
4. Born Ruffians – Red, Yellow & Blue (2008)
5. The White Stripes – White Blood Cells (2001)
6. The Tallest Man On Earth – Shallow Graves (2008)
7. Daft Punk – Alive 2007 (2007)
8. Califone – Roomsound (2001)
9. Bon Iver – For Emma, Forever Ago (2007)
10. Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy and Matt Sweeney – Superwolf (2005)
11. Damien Rice – O (2002)
12. The Decemberists – Picaresque (2005)
13. Elliot Smith – From a Basement on a Hill (2004)
14. Fleet Foxes – Fleet Foxes (2008)
15. Destroyer – Destroyer’s Rubies (2006)
16. Wilco – A Ghost is Born (2004)
17. Radiohead – Kid A (2000)
18. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Stadium Arcadium (2006)
19. Modest Mouse – The Moon & Antarctica (2004)
20. Girl Talk – Feed the Animals (2008)

Bonus 10
21. Florence + The Machine – Lungs (2009)
22. The Format – Interventions + Lullabies (2004)
23. The Mountain Goats – All Hail West Texas (2002)
24. Gomez – How We Operate (2006)
25. Jimmy Eat World – Bleed American (2001)
26. Josh Ritter – The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter (2008)
27. Built to Spill – You In Reverse (2006)
28. The Shins – Chutes Too Narrow (2003)
29. Soulja Boy – Soulja Boy Tell Em (2007)
30. Spoon – GA GA GA GA GA (2007)

Runners Up
31. Kings of Leon – Only By The Night (2008)
32. Radiohead – In Rainbows (2007)
33. TV On The Radio – Return To Cookie Mountain (2006)
34. Sunjan Stevens – Illinois (2005)
35. Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion (2009)
36. Sunset Rubdown – Random Spirit Lover (2007)
37. Andrew Bird – Andrew Bird & The Mysterious Production of Eggs (2005)
38. Ben Folds – Rockin’ the Suburbs (2001)
39. Johnny Flynn – A Larum (2008)
40. Chad VanGaalen – Infiniheart (2004)
41. Band of Horses – Cease to Begin (2007)

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some new year’s resolutions

An unordered list:

  • Learn to enjoy the company of strangers
  • Achieve greater levity
  • Smile longer
  • Make new friends
  • Be less self-conscious
  • Share more music
  • Consume less–and better–passive entertainment
  • Live prolifically
  • Be bigger (no, fuck that–be positively huge)
  • Use more profanity on the internet
  • Aestheticize simplicity
  • Drink less
  • Get drunk more
  • Crave healthier things
  • Think more
  • Douse the misanthropy
  • Burgeon with positivity–indomitable, overflowing, and contagious
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“We lose ourselves when we compromise the very ideals that we fight to defend. And we honor — we honor those ideals by upholding them not when it’s easy, but when it is hard.” -Barack Obama, Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech, 10 December 2009.

(http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/remarks-president-acceptance-nobel-peace-prize)

I <3 Obama. Not least because … he speaks English! He speaks English well!

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lyrics are never so profound absent the song

Some lyrics I like:

It’s a simple computation
You take easy conversation
Add erotic exploration, adoration
But when he said, “I love you, girl”
It should have come with a warning.

He said, “I’ve gotta go, go, go, ’cause it hurts to feel
I’m gonna run, run, run like a man of steel
And I could try, try, try
To stay in the fight
But when push comes to shove
We are only robots in love.

Robots in Love – Beautiful Small Machines

They say you have to have somebody
They say you have to be someone
They say if you’re not lonely alone
Boy there is something wrong

I Like What You Say – Nada Surf

Smoking cigarettes more than I should
My hands won’t stop shaking and that can’t be good
I would forget you if I only could
Think about anything else

Slow Dancing – Lucero

Save me,
I can’t be saved, I won’t.
I’m a president’s son,
I don’t need no soul.

All the soldiers say “It’ll be alright,
we may make it through the war if we make it through the night.”
All the people, they say: “What a lovely day, yeah,
we won the war. May have lost the war, but we’ve got a million more.”
All the people, they say.

People Say – Portugal. The Man

And all these memories come rushing
like feral waves to your mind.
Of the curl of your bodies,
like two perfect circles entwined.
And you feel hopeless and homeless
and lost in the haze of the wine.

Then she leaves, with someone you don’t know.
But she makes sure you saw her.
She looks right at you and bolts.
As she walks out the door,
your blood boiling
your stomach in ropes.
Oh and when your friends say,
“What is it? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Then you walk, under the streetlights.
And you’re too drunk to notice,
that everyone is staring at you.
You just don’t care what you look like,
the world is falling around you.

You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You just have to see her.
You know that she’ll break you in two.

Sometime around midnight – Airborne Toxic Event
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a flagrant bit of escapism

So:

  • Socialism maximizes equality of opportunity — but at the expense of incentives to succeed.
  • A capitalist economy without government is a barter economy.
  • Given that government is necessary for capitalism (due to failures of the market economy) the question becomes –> which form is best?
    • –> Capitalism does not imply democracy — nor does democracy imply capitalism.
    • –> Types of government:
      • Democratic*
      • Authoritarian*
      • Totalitarian
      • Fascist
      • Communist
      • Republic*
  • Capitalism creates wealth.
  • Capitalism does not create equality.

Democracy

  1. “The pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.” – H.L. Mencken
  2. “The worst form of government, except for every other.” – Winston Churchill

Government exists to protect, defend and support the capitalist economy. The capitalist economy / free market–not the government–lifts individuals from poverty. The free market–not the government–produces and provides. The end goal of capitalism is wealth — which I define as a proxy for social welfare.

The properly and only role of government is the regulation of market failures. These include

  • externalities – both positive and negative – and implies taxing some activities and subsidizing others, as well as providing public goods.
  • imperfect information / asymmetric information
  • adverse selection
  • moral hazard
  • monopoly (though this last has not been unequivocally observed in the last century — suggesting that monopoly is merely a particular manifestation of imperfect information)

Any and every government policy (and/or program) must be justified by one of the above.

Paradoxically, this narrow definition of the proper role of government is hugely liberating and empowering.

Questions of “right” and “wrong” are inherently intractable — and therefore useless, aside from their merit as parlor discussion topics or other forms of entertainment (though, really, who has a “parlor” anymore?).

The question of “should gay marriage be allowed” — which can not be universally or satisfactorily answered — becomes “is there a market failure justification for government regulation of marriages between couples of the same sex?”

Though this question is no easier — rather, far more difficult — to answer at a glance, it can be answered (or worked toward) in a scientific and quantitative fashion.

Health care, similarly, can be logically addressed. The question is not “should government be involved in health care” — for which the answer is clearly yes — but rather “to what extent is government intervention in health care justified?”

Nothing could be more useful toward the end of achieving meaningful and effective reform than to rephrase the debate in these terms. Ultiamtely, this is the question — but the debate has centered on questions of “fairness” and depended on anecdotal evidence.

A second question must be identified — and its answer clearly stated as an assumption underlying any intellectual or rational debate involving forms of economic organization, governments, etc. The question is:

Are people inherently

  • autonomous, independent, rational, capable, and masters/creators of their own individual tastes, preferences and (ultimately) destinies?
    –or–
  • weak, impressionable, subject to the whims and caprice of governments, corporations, media, mass culture?

If the latter, government is necessary (and appropriate) to protect people form themselves. This viewpoint presupposed that people, inherently, need protection — and further that government can provide that protection. This further supposes that it is possible for the government to know “what’s good for people” better than the people themselves.

Do people need protection by the government, or is the government best that governs least?

And, perhaps, the truth is somewhere in between. For myself, my friends, and my family, the answer is clearly that we are masters of our own destinies (for better or for worse) — rational decision makers who know our own self-interest better than any governing policy or body.

But the people I encounter on a daily basis — and by whom I judge and calibrate my idea of the “ordinary person” — are, perhaps, less than a representative sample. They all have college degrees, are all willing and cognizant participants in the free market economy.

We sell our ability to think, and buy the product of others! We think critically about the advertisements we encounter, the ideas that are shared with us, and can accurately predict and understand the consequences of our actions.

But are all of these things true of the other 80% of the American population (yes, I know 20% of the American population … don’t quibble!) who do have not not completed advanced education — of that proletariat mass who have only their physical labor to sell?

Perhaps, then, my question is not a valid question. Of course it’s not — any question that asks “are people A or are people B” is tautological and false.

Can the answer be that some people are weak (impressionable, if you prefer) and some people are strong (rational masters of their own destinies, that is)?

( ** And, yes, I too find my use of the terms “weak” and “strong” bothering.)

If so, we must ask an entirely new question — what is the best form of economic organization, given that some people are weak and some people are strong? What is the best form of government, given that some are weak and others are strong?

Is is the government that best defends the weak? Or is it the government that best enables the strong?

Which begs another question — given that there are weak and strong, do the strong inherently or naturally prey upon the weak?

I would answer a screaming “no” — but as a student of history, when have the strong not preyed upon the weak? Perhaps with the advent of modern governments — democracy, socialism, communism.

Buy, Ayn Rand asks, should the weak be allowed to prey upon the strong?

This is communism: all are equal because none are great.

So here is the tension that must be resolved (once and for all!) — the strong preying upon the weak, as in the state of nature or the unfettered capitalist economy — against the weak preying upon the strong, as in the communist economy (where none are permitted to be great), or the socialist economy, where the potentially great must carry the burden of all those who are not given to rise.

This is John’s Gultch: an idealized world where the strong are unfettered, and the weak are not preyed upon. Only — in John’s Gultch — the weak are simply not permitted — are left to their own devices — to anarchy and ruin.

So is Rand’s point that the weak owe the strong a debt — for protecting their world from anarchy and darkness?

Here we’ve come full circle.

Either

  1. people are strong or people are weak
    –or–
  2. some are strong and some are weak

Conclusion number one I’ve rejected as a false.

But conclusion number two implies a tension between classes, implies class struggle, implies Marxism, implies intractable struggle between “those who have, and those who ain’t got” (with apologies to the Dead Prez).

But it’s not a struggle between those who possess or lack material wealth — it’s a struggle between those who have or lack the spark of a creator — between those who make their own destinies and those who are helpless against the tide.

How can we have a world of equality and justice when people are inherently unequal?

Justice is always defined according to whom. Justice is not treating all people the same — if that same treatment favors one class or another.

Given inequality as immutable fact, how can one ever arrive at equality? Given that A does not equal B, what series of filters or functions could ever make A equal B?

Given inequality, equality is unattainable.

Given that equality is unattainable, do we uphold it as a value? Do we strive toward it?

“From each according to his ability — to each according to his need.”

Does this describe America? Does this explain our social welfare programs? When one reaches the threshold of need, the government provides. Is there an economic justification for sparing people from poverty? There is clear justification for providing unemployment insurance .. and the same seems true of many social programs (think: free / reduced lunch).

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