The tickets for the Goo Goo Dolls show are sold out. Sure, there was nothing on the website to indicate they were, and it was only half-way through the purchase process that they bothered to mention it, but why should I be mad at them for getting my hopes up so high?
“Show me the man who’s happiness is anything but illusion / followed by disillusion.” ~Sophecles
Ug. It’s late. And I need to be up early. But that’s ok, because I’m going to the Goo Goo Dolls show in San Diego w/ Sqeak and Mark Schadd. More details to follow. This is completely stupid, and I’m just terribly excited for it!
I’m home, and scared to death of the next three weeks. I’m scared of the isolationism, the hopelessness, the memories… I’ll make it: sure, I’ll make it. What else can I do. There’s a Goo Goo Dolls concert in San Diego on New Year’s Eve. I might go. I can’t even describe how I feel. Everything has taken a turn for the surreal, and I feel suddenly radically disconnected from everything around me. Jenny is no longer engaged. Sagar’s parents will probably announce their official divorce tomorrow. Carter… fuck. Me? Good god. How does the Cheyenne Mark resolve the Bozeman Mark? What life? What value? What significance? What enjoyment? What happiness? What despair? These next few weeks will be trying. Amazing. Trying. What are you thinking? / what thinking? / what?
The music’s loud but it doesn’t fill the silence. The silence of my house. The silence of… being alone? Am I lonely? Yeah, maybe I am. Or maybe I just want to cry, to live, to love…
I’m not doing so well with the Holidays this year. I’ve never been fond: I don’t think I was especially excited about Christmas as a young kid. Now? Go sing a Christmas carol. Sing your heart out. I’ll sing “Misery is the River of the World.” Why? Do I want to be miserable? AM I miserable? Do I want to extend my misery to those around me? I’ve done better with the holidays in years past, but looking back have I ever had a Christmas worth remembering? Of significance? C’mon Mark: one happy Christmas memory. Hell, one Christmas memory at all… Nothing comes to mind. Not a single one.
God DAMN this is a lot of angst. Go me. Looks like I’m still not “in the clear.” If only I could cry…
As of 8:00PM last night my first semester of college is finished. Overall, I’d call it a success. The extend of a academic success, to the extent that it’s quantifiable, is still a little uncertain, but here’s the results so far:
British Lit II: A
French 219: B- (and I’m lucky at that!)
Film in America: A
Chemistry 141: (B)*
Texts & Critics: A
*- Predicted grade
Not knowing my chemistry grade yet, but assuming I receive a B, I’m happy with my academic performance. As long as I keep my 3.5 so I keep my scholarships, I’m happy. None of my courses were especially challenging. I took French and Chemistry for the sake of being “diversified and well-rounded,” and I learned something: if one has no desire to be diversified and well rounded, it’s pretty pointless to take the class. If you’re not interested in it, at least for me, you won’t invest yourself, nor will you benefit from the class. So next semester I’ll be taking only courses that I’m genuinely interested in, and I’m excited. This whole “doing something that I don’t want to do but it’s the right thing to do” bit just doesn’t work for me, nor does it provide for my happiness.
Personally, this has been a good semester as well. It’s been wild, and for emotionally-stolid, slow-changing me, that’s a rather strong statement. The start of the semester was pretty emotionally void– I had a couple good hikes and such (which I hope to have a lot more of this spring, and maybe even this winter if I can afford some equipment) but on balance life just continued on an emotional plateau. “Emotional Roller coaster” makes a really apt metaphor in this case. It was as though I had just been taxing to the top of the ride– slow, boring, nothing noteworthy. And then Jill and I started dating again and holy shit, hold on for dear life!!! Things were up, and things were down, and we broke up again permanently a few weeks later but the ride was just beginning. Over the next months, I reached the lowest emotional state I’ve ever experienced. At the point that Jill and I broke off our friendship, things began to swing back the other direction. I put myself in counseling, but I gotta say that my counselor hasn’t done much for me since, well, as much as I hate to say it, she doesn’t have the intelligence to keep up. We haven’t been operating on the same “wavelength” so to speak, so it’s been less than beneficial. But that’s quite alright because I’m doing super-duper well at the moment! I think I can honestly say that I’m happy, or at the very least I have the next best thing, whatever that is.
My beliefs have shifted strongly toward post-modernism, although there’s still a strong element of nihilism in the way that I view life. I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter: the little petty things, and life as a whole. Purpose in life requires a deity, and since I’m quite without a deity, I have no purpose in life, but I embrace my purposelessness just the same. So I pass the days, and I have fun, and I’m getting to know some people, and life goes on. It sounds dreary, but I’m happy, and that’s really what matters.
So where am I at? Well, sitting in the Reid 304 computer lab– empty computer lab. Most are already home. I will be soon. Tomorrow. I’m looking forward to going home, but at the same time I’m not. I’m ready for second semester– to start learning new things, to apply myself, to spend more time with some of the great people I’ve met up here… I don’t know, really. It’s impossible to say. Break will be relaxing, but vacuous. There’s really not much “life” to be found in Cheyenne. It’ll be good to see Sagar and Sean, but that aside… it looks as dreary as the endless and barren plains that I’ll drive across to get home. I’m really thinking about just taking off and going somewhere. Anywhere. It doesn’t matter, as long as I get out of town or see something new or do something that challenges me. God– a CHALLENGE. That’s what I’d like. Wow. That would probably allow me some sense of completion, which (academically) this school semester has been entirely devoid of. I need to buy some good snow equipment, and CLIMB something.
I’ll check once more before I post this to see if any more of my grades have been posted. Nope. I guess that about wraps things up for this semester. Westward ho!
And yet another vulerability has been found in Internet Explorer– even those with the most recent version are still at risk. See
http://secunia.com/internet_explorer_cross-site_scripting_vulnerability_test/
for more details and a demonstration. It’s actually pretty scary to see www.paypal.com in the address bar and the security lock to show that it’s a secure, legitimate page when in fact it is not. The typical consumer (myself included) isn’t equipped to recognize this sort of spoofing, and instead need to have a reliable and trustworth browser like Firefox.
In other news, I’m done with finals and just about to head off to breakfast with Hailey so life is good. =)
I realize that I’m overdue for a post. I don’t know if I’ve been especially busy over the last few days, or just rather disinclined to post: regardless, I’m at work, and I have other things I should be doing, so here goes.
The last few days have been the best I’ve known since coming to Bozeman. There’s really no reason why, save for the fact that I’ve been happy. Inexplicably happy, when I think about it. There’s no reason for it. It feels good to be done (well, close to done), and it feels good for the semester to be drawing to a close, but I think there’s something more at play.
I’m finally beginning to come to terms with Jill. I’m laughing, or smiling at the very least, and that’s a good place to be. My mood has swung back to the point that I’m happier now that I have been for a long time, and I’m seeing now that part of my present happiness comes from my recently gained knowledge to terrible unhappiness. Although it sucked at the time, in retrospect it’s a good thing: a wonderful thing. What’s life, if not for its contraries? So I look back, and I laugh. Yeah, we were way too serious (or at the very least I was way too serious). We set physical boundaries, but no boundaries to the intellectual and emotional aspects of our relationship, and I think I can that I went too far. Or maybe I didn’t– if we had been less emotionally attached and I had been less intellectually intwined, breaking things off would have been so much easier, but by the same token the “good times” wouldn’t have been half as good. Speaking of which, apparently they don’t have Good Times in Montana. I haven’t asked anyone “hey, have you had good times” but I certainly haven’t seen anyone having Good Times. The fast food chain, of course: I don’t mean to say that there’s any shortage of fun and enjoyable times. Wow. How random. Back to my previous train of blather: I don’t know if it’s a bit pre-mature for this, but already I find that I hold posses no malice or ill-will toward Jill. As a matter of fact, I find myself pretty neutral: I don’t love her, I don’t hate her, I don’t even like or dislike her. She just exists, and I’m able to see her without feeling any nagging dislike and equally without feeling any pangs of heart. And it’s good. It’s really good.
I’m excited for break. I’m going to read a LOT, see a LOT of movies, sleep, and otherwise enjoy myself. Thank heavens.
I finished Douglas Adam’s The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and I can’t help but thinking that it’s one of the best books I’ve ever read. I hesitate to say “best” because I enjoyed it so much, but looking back at it (despite it’s jovial nature) the book was packed from cover to cover with a brilliant depiction of post-modernist life and what’s more it left me laughing. Laughing at the amazing string of impossible improbabilities that have come together to form modern life. Laughing at my sheer powerlessness against these explosions of random chance. Laughing at the amount of beauty that can be found in the midst of all life’s absurdity. We’re powerless to struggle against life’s absurdity, and all we can do is laugh. And so we do: after all, some of it’s pretty dang funny.
I can’t help but to feel that there’s gotta be something more, but on the other hand I’m happy, and that’s more than enough for me. =)
So… there’s an optimist who’s friends with a pessimist. The pessimist never fails to find something wrong with something in every situation; the optimist is constantly trying to find something the pessimist can’t fault. One day the optimist buys a dog and plays fetch with it by a lake. The optimist throws a stick into the water and to his surprise the dog runs out on top of the water and walks back. Thrilled to have found something so wonderful, the optimist brings the pessimist, and again throws the stick into the water. The dog again goes walking out on top of the lake, and the optimist says “See, see! He’s walking on water!” to which the pessimist replies “What? Can’t he swim?”
1. Anything on my Amazon.com wishlist (updated 12/13):
http://amazon.com/gp/registry/3W0SAV9GFEG7Z
2. Gloves like these
3. A set of struts for my car (Mom & Dad?!)
“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.”
“The President in particular is very much a figurehead– he wields no real power whatseover. He is apparently chosen by the government, but the qualities he’s reuqired to display are not those of leadership but those of finely judged outrage. For this reason the President is alawys a controversial choice, always an infuriating but facinating character. His job is not to wield power but to draw attention away from it.”
” ‘Charming man,’ he said. ‘I wish I had a daughter so I could forbid her to marry one…’
‘You wouldn’t need to,’ said Ford. ‘They’ve got as much sex appeal as a road accident. No, don’t move,’ he added as Arthur began to uncurl himsef, ‘you’d better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace. It’s unpleasantly like being drunk.’
‘What’s so unpleasant about being drunk?’
‘You ask a glass of water.'”“Vogon poetry is of course the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem ‘Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning’ four of his audience died of internal hemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off.”
-The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time. … Why are you reading this??! Go. Live! Love! Jump in a stream! SOMETHING!!!
Heh. So it’s late, and I’m getting … strange? Well, I don’t typically get “strange” due to sleep deprevation. It must be due to some other form of deprevation. Like interpersonal contact and connection. Or something. God only knows.
I watched THX 1138 (3/5 stars)(George Lucas’s directorial debut) tonight. On balance, it was just plain strange. The special effects were nothing short of incredible for its time, but the story and characters, well, just didn’t come accross as well developed.
So it’s Monday morning right now. What have I done since I woke, some 16 hours ago? Not a lot. I had lunch with William, Autumn & Co., killed time around the Quad, and then killed some more time around the quad. I also watched Traffic tonight, which I very much enjoyed. I probably would have enjoyed it even more if there had been subtitles for the Spanish portions of the movie. Oh well. You get what you pay for, I suppose, and, well, I downloaded Traffic. So there you go!
Right now I’m in the middle of the process of ripping Ken’s CDs. He has like 85, and they’re all in good condition, which makes for high quality rips. I need more hard drive space!
I have nothing to say. I’m off to go read some Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Goodnight.
Well, for some cheer to contrast my last post, Sagar pointed me to this:
ZURICH, SWITZERLAND–Nearly 700 scientists representing 27 countries convened at the University of Zurich Monday to formally announce that their experimentation on mice has been motivated not by a desire to advance human knowledge, but out of sheer distaste for the furry little rodents.
