Childhood Reflection

I never wore a watch–I never needed one to know the days were too short. Home from school at 4:00, drop the backpack, grab my boots, off into the snow, and then home again by 6:00 for dinner. Dark was easy to tell. 6:00 was not. So: home by dark. It’s hard to say how we passed those days on winter’s cold and windy plains. Days in the wintertime are much shorter, and last only as long as the free time between school and dinner. Nevertheless, we filled them. Snowball fights. Bumper pool in Brent’s basement. Super Nintendo in Nic’s. Hot chocolate. Other culinary disasters. Compared to the long, languid days of summer, winter days were never long enough. Not that we cared; I had my excuses down well: “we were outside, Dad, and didn’t have a clock,” or “we were inside, Mom, and I couldn’t see that it was getting dark.” They seldom worked.

In the dead of winter, however, dark only meant “6:00 is coming;” that’s when I got trouble. “Be home at 6:00,” they said, and when I came home they said “It’s 6:15, It’s 6:25, It’s 6:40.” “You’re grounded, grounded, grounded.” But how could parents understand that, for a boy of eleven years, there is no 6:00– only daylight and dark, and the timeless ecstasy of being eleven–an ecstasy that doesn’t understand “be home by 6:00.”

Brent had a motorcycle–an orange, 50cc Rockwell. His dad had brought home the summer before, to our incomparable elation. It had a two-Stroke engine, (25:1 gas/oil ratio) and the three of us loved it infinitely when it ran and hated it infinitely when it refused; I owe that bike everything I know about carburetors and spark plugs and transmissions and mufflers and… but I digress.
It was one of those rare times in Cheyenne when snow covered the ground in the very sort of manner that is perfect sledding. My neighborhood was short on sled-worthy hills, but we didn’t care. Who needs a hill when you have a motorbike? By the time we had coaxed the little engine into sputtering to life, it was already dark. But we didn’t care. Who needs the sun when you have halogen porch lights? So, by the light of two motion-activated flood lights, I found myself sitting in a sled tied to the back of Brent’s motorcycle. And we were off. Oh, what a rush! Brent drove first; I hunkered down in the little orange sled as the snow-covered ground went shooting by underneath. Going straight was easy enough until you hit a big bump, but to stay in the sled … that was quite a trick. I was suffused in the cloud of snow following the bike; I couldn’t see anything. But I didn’t care! Sooner than I wanted, it was Brent’s turn, and I took over as driver. And then it was my turn again. Then Brent’s.

I knew that it must be getting near 6:00. We took our last rides, and pushed the motorcycle, sled still attached, into the shed. I walked back–across Brent’s dark field, across my dark field–and in my back door. Time operates differently when filled with new discovery and excitement, and when I walked in the door (in from the dark) 6:00 had long come and gone. Maybe it was 6:15 or 6:45–the clock on the wall said “you’re grounded.” But something stopped Mr. & Mrs. You’re Grounded from their typical pronouncement. Instead, they just looked at me wonderingly, and asked “what happened to you?” After pulling my boots off, I was sent to the bathroom. In the mirror, I found myself covered with little spots of black, head to toe.

Since Brent’s motorcycle had a two-stroke engine, we would ineptly mix the gas and oil ourselves (guess work at the very best). The oil-rich mixture resulted in plumes of oily, black smoke spewing from the back of the little motorbike wherever we rode it, not that we cared. I doubt it ever crossed our minds that we were using too much oil. What I discovered, while looking at myself in the mirror, was that not all of the extra oil burned. As a matter of fact, a lot of the oil was shot straight out the back of the tailpipe, onto whatever was behind it. And what had been behind it for the last two hours? A rope attached to a boy-filled sled, quickly becoming human canvases of a masterpiece of modern art.

Amused with this discovery, I cleaned myself up. My mother fussed over my oil-stained coat. I learned my lesson, though. When Brent and excitedly pulled the bike out of the shed, we found for ourselves a new, and much longer rope. Did it stop us from getting covered in oil? No. But did we care? Of course not.

Unsettled

I’m in an odd place. I found out today that rather than leaving for Bangkok at the end of August, I’ll be leaving on August 1st. This discovery has been unsettling and, to a lesser or greater extent, unpleasant. I had planned on having a full summer in the States before I left. A full summer in Cheyenne before I left. My greatest concern is simply being able to earn enough money this summer to bail myself out of the financial straights I’ve put myself in, but I had also intended to spending some extra time with those people I won’t be seeing for the following nine months. It’s certainly not the end of the world; I just need to adjust and shuffle my summer plans.

I’m in an odd place. As I look out my window, the rain outside is gradually turning to snow. *insert something clever about believing that “my winter” was over* According to the forcast, the rest of the week will be bleak and cold. Right now, I’m having great difficulty writing the essays that I need to for my international film history class, and I’m afraid that I won’t get to sleep tonight.

I’m in an odd place. I realize that I’ve lost my love of film– sure, I still enjoy it, but I have no passion for it. I’m sure this is partially due to being outside a community of film-buffs for so long, but I think it’s more to do with me being unable to find a place or purpose for film in my future. I guess it’s like gaming– something I love and enjoy, but ultimately have no place or time for.

I’m tired, and in more than just a physical sense. I just want to go to bed and sleep until I’ve slept my fill, and then to wake up without obligations. I know that this is the “last leg of the marathon,” and I recognize that it’s imperative that I “finish out strong,” but none of that helps me feel any less physically, mentally or emotionally exhausted.

I’m in an odd place. “Home” seems like an abstract and foreign concept. I know I’m not the only one. I struggle to think of a relationship I have that seems more than a tenuous and loose connection. I struggle to think of why that matters.

I’m in an odd place. I realize that I’ve lost my belief in a deity. Were you to ask me three years ago if there was a god, I would have resoundingly answered that “yes, there is, and I can help you to get to know him if you’d like.” If you were to ask me one year ago if there was a god, I would have easily replied that “I’m very much convinced that the Christian god does not exist, but I’m equally convinced that there’s some higher power.” But now? Tonight I’ve come to the realization that I’m no longer convinced of the existence of a “higher power”. I find that we’re ultimately alone in the universe– left to our own devices– and that there is nothing greater than humanity. We’re the byproduct of the random process of evolution, placed here without purpose or direction. We’ve invented god and given him human traits to try to console ourselves– but some, like me, are now utterly unable to take consolation. It’s despairing and it’s inspiring. But right now it’s just raining outside.

A man was passing by a small courtyard when he heard voices and murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said ‘NIL.’ White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.

The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, “Is Nothing Sacred?”

It’s Technology-Hates-Mark day!

So. At the time I went to bed this morning, my laptop was under a motherboard-replacement work order, my desktop was locking up every ten minutes, my Palm refused to turn on, and to heap insult on injury, my alarm clock had decided to take a plunge down a deep and dark crevasse behind my bed and, as William can probably attest to, it took me ten minutes of grabbing and dropping things and making noise at 4:00AM this morning to figure out how, without getting out of bed, to get my alarm clock up to the level of my bed so that I could set it–for 7:30AM, because my car needed to be moved off the street by 8:00AM. Good heavens. At least my coffee pot didn’t go on the brink last night. =)

Anyhow. This week is going to be crazy busy, but if I survive, then I only have a few tests left, and the semester is over.

Huh. How crazy.