please allow me to take this moment to indulge my adhd

So, like 30 seconds ago, I was using a napkin to wipe the dried beer stains off the top of my laptop (how did THOSE get there?) and I was listing to the Mountain Goats, and I thought to myself, “man, I should really post this on my blog. Using lots of … passive verbs. Was. Is.”

So there I am … using a wet napkin to wipe stale beer stains off my laptop, listening to The Mountain Goats. There’s something cooking on the stove, and something burning, too. What’s burning is the chunks of last night’s dinner that spilled on to and under the burner. What’s cooking is … Chicken Ramen Noodles. Yup. That’s right.

So … Chris calls me a “faketarian.” I don’t think that’s quite fair … but I can’t deny that, right now, I’m sipping on a steaming bowl of steaming Ramen. Mmm. It tastes extra good because … I’m pretty sure it’s Bovard’s Ramen.

Here’s a riddle: What tastes better than MSG?

…

Answer: Stolen MSG!

*tissh!*-*dun*-*dup!*

Did you know? If you spill the “Chicken Flavor” spice package from a package of Ramen, it sparks and looks really cool? I definitely recommend trying this at home.

But I really don’t feel that eating a bowl of Ramen makes me a faketarian. Especially because my premise isn’t so much that “meat is murder” so much as … the meat industry produces more greenhouse gasses than all the transportation industries combined (Cars! Planes! Trains! Automobiles! … Tanks! … Rickshaws! … …).

And, moreover … the Chicken Flavor packet doesn’t actually have any meat in it. “Chicken Powder” isn’t meat, is it? No more than … snow is water? Besides … Chicken Powder is ingredient number five in the list. What’s number two? … Yup! That’s right: monosodium glutamate.

…

Suddenly, I don’t feel so well.

…

So … I went to the dentist this morning. Arriving home afterwards, half my face is numb (intentionally, mind you. I swear … my dentist seemed mighty disappointed when he didn’t find oil … all that drilling and all …).

Weird things: 1) When I splashed water on my face in the shower, only half of my face got wet. 2) When I drank from a cold bottle, the bottle and liquid on one side was actually warm. 3) The texture of pickle skin against my teeth still bothered me.

…

Last thing, before I go to class (drat! I haven’t done any of the reading! I’ve been to busy … blogging?)

So, I’m sitting in computer science class yesterday (yup … you read that right. CS class.) and this girl opens the set of doors at the front of the lecture hall, looks in, clearly sees that there’s a class going on. THEN, she casually walks straight across the front of the room–between the Prof and the 50 people in the lecture hall–up the side aisle, and out the back door. During the middle of lecture. For no reason at all!

Needless to say, I’m still flabbergasted.

And now I’m nearly late to class. !!