Unsettled

I’m in an odd place. I found out today that rather than leaving for Bangkok at the end of August, I’ll be leaving on August 1st. This discovery has been unsettling and, to a lesser or greater extent, unpleasant. I had planned on having a full summer in the States before I left. A full summer in Cheyenne before I left. My greatest concern is simply being able to earn enough money this summer to bail myself out of the financial straights I’ve put myself in, but I had also intended to spending some extra time with those people I won’t be seeing for the following nine months. It’s certainly not the end of the world; I just need to adjust and shuffle my summer plans.

I’m in an odd place. As I look out my window, the rain outside is gradually turning to snow. *insert something clever about believing that “my winter” was over* According to the forcast, the rest of the week will be bleak and cold. Right now, I’m having great difficulty writing the essays that I need to for my international film history class, and I’m afraid that I won’t get to sleep tonight.

I’m in an odd place. I realize that I’ve lost my love of film– sure, I still enjoy it, but I have no passion for it. I’m sure this is partially due to being outside a community of film-buffs for so long, but I think it’s more to do with me being unable to find a place or purpose for film in my future. I guess it’s like gaming– something I love and enjoy, but ultimately have no place or time for.

I’m tired, and in more than just a physical sense. I just want to go to bed and sleep until I’ve slept my fill, and then to wake up without obligations. I know that this is the “last leg of the marathon,” and I recognize that it’s imperative that I “finish out strong,” but none of that helps me feel any less physically, mentally or emotionally exhausted.

I’m in an odd place. “Home” seems like an abstract and foreign concept. I know I’m not the only one. I struggle to think of a relationship I have that seems more than a tenuous and loose connection. I struggle to think of why that matters.

I’m in an odd place. I realize that I’ve lost my belief in a deity. Were you to ask me three years ago if there was a god, I would have resoundingly answered that “yes, there is, and I can help you to get to know him if you’d like.” If you were to ask me one year ago if there was a god, I would have easily replied that “I’m very much convinced that the Christian god does not exist, but I’m equally convinced that there’s some higher power.” But now? Tonight I’ve come to the realization that I’m no longer convinced of the existence of a “higher power”. I find that we’re ultimately alone in the universe– left to our own devices– and that there is nothing greater than humanity. We’re the byproduct of the random process of evolution, placed here without purpose or direction. We’ve invented god and given him human traits to try to console ourselves– but some, like me, are now utterly unable to take consolation. It’s despairing and it’s inspiring. But right now it’s just raining outside.