As of 8:00PM last night my first semester of college is finished. Overall, I’d call it a success. The extend of a academic success, to the extent that it’s quantifiable, is still a little uncertain, but here’s the results so far:
British Lit II: A
French 219: B- (and I’m lucky at that!)
Film in America: A
Chemistry 141: (B)*
Texts & Critics: A
*- Predicted grade
Not knowing my chemistry grade yet, but assuming I receive a B, I’m happy with my academic performance. As long as I keep my 3.5 so I keep my scholarships, I’m happy. None of my courses were especially challenging. I took French and Chemistry for the sake of being “diversified and well-rounded,” and I learned something: if one has no desire to be diversified and well rounded, it’s pretty pointless to take the class. If you’re not interested in it, at least for me, you won’t invest yourself, nor will you benefit from the class. So next semester I’ll be taking only courses that I’m genuinely interested in, and I’m excited. This whole “doing something that I don’t want to do but it’s the right thing to do” bit just doesn’t work for me, nor does it provide for my happiness.
Personally, this has been a good semester as well. It’s been wild, and for emotionally-stolid, slow-changing me, that’s a rather strong statement. The start of the semester was pretty emotionally void– I had a couple good hikes and such (which I hope to have a lot more of this spring, and maybe even this winter if I can afford some equipment) but on balance life just continued on an emotional plateau. “Emotional Roller coaster” makes a really apt metaphor in this case. It was as though I had just been taxing to the top of the ride– slow, boring, nothing noteworthy. And then Jill and I started dating again and holy shit, hold on for dear life!!! Things were up, and things were down, and we broke up again permanently a few weeks later but the ride was just beginning. Over the next months, I reached the lowest emotional state I’ve ever experienced. At the point that Jill and I broke off our friendship, things began to swing back the other direction. I put myself in counseling, but I gotta say that my counselor hasn’t done much for me since, well, as much as I hate to say it, she doesn’t have the intelligence to keep up. We haven’t been operating on the same “wavelength” so to speak, so it’s been less than beneficial. But that’s quite alright because I’m doing super-duper well at the moment! I think I can honestly say that I’m happy, or at the very least I have the next best thing, whatever that is.
My beliefs have shifted strongly toward post-modernism, although there’s still a strong element of nihilism in the way that I view life. I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter: the little petty things, and life as a whole. Purpose in life requires a deity, and since I’m quite without a deity, I have no purpose in life, but I embrace my purposelessness just the same. So I pass the days, and I have fun, and I’m getting to know some people, and life goes on. It sounds dreary, but I’m happy, and that’s really what matters.
So where am I at? Well, sitting in the Reid 304 computer lab– empty computer lab. Most are already home. I will be soon. Tomorrow. I’m looking forward to going home, but at the same time I’m not. I’m ready for second semester– to start learning new things, to apply myself, to spend more time with some of the great people I’ve met up here… I don’t know, really. It’s impossible to say. Break will be relaxing, but vacuous. There’s really not much “life” to be found in Cheyenne. It’ll be good to see Sagar and Sean, but that aside… it looks as dreary as the endless and barren plains that I’ll drive across to get home. I’m really thinking about just taking off and going somewhere. Anywhere. It doesn’t matter, as long as I get out of town or see something new or do something that challenges me. God– a CHALLENGE. That’s what I’d like. Wow. That would probably allow me some sense of completion, which (academically) this school semester has been entirely devoid of. I need to buy some good snow equipment, and CLIMB something.
I’ll check once more before I post this to see if any more of my grades have been posted. Nope. I guess that about wraps things up for this semester. Westward ho!
