Heat is for Haters

Congratulations! You’ve taken the eco-conscious choice of removing all sources of heating from your house! You’ll really enjoy those lower energy bills (if only you can survive until summer), and will sleep well at night in your zero-degree sleeping bag, knowing you’re doing the right thing for the planet.

Now, how do you stay warm in your heat-less house?

  • Be active! Sit-ups and push-ups are great for stimulating the metabolism. Not only will you be less cold, you’ll be ripped for summer (if you survive that long).
  • Move heavy things. If you have books, put them in boxes and carry them from one place to another.
  • Warm yourself from the inside, out. Make that extra pot of coffee. Eat soup for lunch. Even if you don’t like tea, it’s hot, so make a lot and drink it anyway!
  • Blankets. Obviously, if you could put on any more sweatshirts and still be able to bend your arms, you would. When you can’t put on any more sweatshirts, try putting on a blanket!
  • Go to a coffee shop. Coffee shops are not as eco-conscious as you, so coffee shops have heat.
  • Take a long, hot shower. While you stand there wasting both energy and water, warm water, take a moment to pat yourself on the back for all the energy you’re saving.
  • Complain to your friends. They may offer you the warmth of their homes. Added bonus: you’ll learn more about who your true friends are!
  • Bake bread. Not only is home-made bread delicious, running your oven for hours on end will also make your home feel somewhat less like an ice box. Plus, when you’re done baking, you can toast your bread in a toaster, which creates a small amount of heat as well. Try warming your hands over the toaster as your bread toasts—it’s delightful!

Finally, don’t forget to spray about your heat-free lifestyle on the internet and social media. This won’t actually make you any warmer, but is proven to be the most effective action a person can take to combat climate change!

About Mark Egge

Two truths and a lie: Mark Egge is an outdoor enthusiast, opera singer, and a transportation data scientist. He lives in Bozeman, Montana.
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